WARNING: This post turned out to be unintentionally long and probably pretty boring. But I think it is part of my therapy. So I guess I am glad I wasted the time writing it.
Okay, I have posted a few times about my serious fear of mice and all rodents. Well, lately I have decided that I'd really like to try to overcome my phobia. Of course I'll never get to the point of wanting a mouse or rat (gross) for a pet. That would be asking way too much and I would never ever want such a pet anyway. I just want to be able to encounter a rodent and not feel my body tense up and breathing quicken. So I have been working on this, with a little success.
Let me explain my most-likely-irrational fear to give some background. Even dead ones on the sidewalk or street creep me out. Once I nearly ran over a big dead vole while running with the stroller. That took my breath away and I was scared to look at that point on our path for a week. (Remember, I confessed that my fear is irrational.) Here's another really pathetic one. A few months ago while running I saw a cat across the street pouncing on something. I assumed it was a rodent (I couldn't actually see it) and ran as fast as I could to get away from the chase, shuddering at the thought of a mouse scurrying anywhere near by. (We live near a gold course. I know there are hundreds and maybe even thousands of mice and voles in the vicinity. But I can ignore that fact until I see one.)
I could tell you more ridiculous stories (like the time I made my friend Summer get me some paper towels from the storage room because I had found a vole in a trap in there a week earlier, or how I sometimes make Julia check the traps in there before I venture in), but I will stop there and tell a success. At my sister Amber's house last week I was outside getting something from my car. I was all alone. (That is important to the story. There is safety in numbers for me when it comes to rodent encounters. Numbers of people, not rodents, of course. Yikes.) From afar I saw a mouse scurry near the front porch. "Panic!" I thought. But no. I was going to face this. I saw a cat pouncing on the mouse. "Now it's REALLY time to panic!" But again, no. I was calm. I decided to watch the chase for a little while. You know, for therapy. And I watched the little mouse escape the cat. All the while I was calm and composed. Then I walked past where the mouse had previously been and into the house. This is big, people. This is something that I was proud to tell Jonny about when he got home. It's real progress.
So, that was a great and good. But I am still very afraid of mice and all of the rest. So what happened just a few days later still has me cringing. The kids were playing in the basement and I went down to check on them. (There are a few traps set up in the corners just in case -heaven forbid - any mice or voles find their way into our home. So far they have only gotten into the cold storage room from the porch. But not into our living quarters or unfinished basement.) Everything was fine until I came deeper into the basement and saw something in the middle of the carpet - only yards from where my little Gabe was playing. It was a dead mouse. The fact that I looked close enough to determine that it was indeed a mouse is really something for me. I shuddered but kept my cool as the kids and I walked, well, maybe ran, upstairs.
Then I had to breathe. A dead mouse in the basement. It could so easily have found its way upstairs, right? And then what!? I am only just beginning to face my fear. I am not ready for that yet. (To see a mouse scurry across my kitchen floor would have me packing.) My mind was flooded with questions. How did it get in? Why did it not get stuck in a trap? Are there more!? What if Gabe picked it up? And what if he brought it to me!? Would I have fainted? But most of all, how did it die?
Yeah, we have a few suspicions. Perhaps it moved in with my sister's boxes they were storing here and eventually died of starvation. Maybe it came from outside after eatening some vole poison from the garden. (In that case, it's entrance must be found.) We really don't know. But what I do know is that I am now deathly afraid of the basement.
But today I went down there. And you know, it wasn't bad at all. I knew I may find a mouse in a trap, but I braced myself. I felt quite the normal person. I think I am really improving here. With that said, if I saw a live mouse in the basement, I'd be running to spend the rest of the day at the neighbor's house until Jonny returned home. Let's hope that doesn't happen anytime soon. And if it does, hopefully in the mean time I will continue to work on being more rational. I think a trip to the pet store may be in order. Even seeing caged mice would be frightening. But I am that serious about getting over this fear. Pretty brave of me, huh?
Oh brother.
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9 comments:
Well, I'm proud of you! I slammed my bathroom door and shoved a towel there until Adam got home when I found one in our bathroom. You just feel so violated.
NASTY. I apologize if we had anything to do with it! The thought makes me cringe to think of the possibility that a mouse stowed away in my stuff. But good job at exposing yourself to your fears. On the TV show "Obsessed" they make these people with irrational fears do therapy by extreme exposure. Probably in your case, they would make you hold a mouse, or let it run around on you or your bed or something until your anxiety level went down. Wanna give it a try???
I had no idea you had a fear of this kind to quite this extent. Has it always been so? Even back in the day when I had two rats for pets? Or the obligatory hamster that we always had in the house? Were you secretly dreading every moment you spent in the house with these creatures?? The question then is whether the phobia extends to film or fictional rodents, such as Stuart Little, the mice in Cinderella or pretty much 90% of the cast of Ratatouille. How about board games, like Mouse Trap? (I'm not being facetious, sometimes people have associative fears with anything even slightly resembling the things they're afraid of.) Congratulations on starting to overcome your fears, though. Baby steps are still steps!
Perhaps it's time to get a cat. Your rodent problems will be over.
I totally saw your dad and husband at Walmart!! I followed them around for a minute to see if you were together but nope :( It was weird for a split second I was like: Am I back in highland? We live right by that south Walmart- do your grandparents live that way too?
I think you're making great progress. The only way I've overcome my fear of mice (somewhat) is that when we had mice, I knew that I was the one who would have to deal with it, because I wasn't going to have Talyn do it! The thing that helped me was that I removed myself from the situation and didn't really think about what I was doing when I had to deal with one.
P.S. I am allergic to cats.
I ran over a dead squirrel with my jogging stroller once. Sick.
They are gross, and I also keep my distance and get pretty short of breath when I find one on a trap, but I'm not affected to the same extent as you. Huge spiders, or sharks are my biggest fears, though luckily I most likely won't encounter them on a daily basis (but now do you understand why snorkeling gives me panic attacks?). I'm proud of you for tackling this phobia. I'll try to be less cruel with my very infrequent practical jokes. Or maybe I should keep them going as part of your therapy?
You know, for therapy! I wish Ethan had been with you, and then you BOTH could have had some therapy--cat and mouse.
Gross. I hate mice. I think I've told you all my horrible stories. And yes, I did get used to the idea of their being around in MD, but I NEVER got over the idea of finding dead ones. Gross gross gross.
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