side by side

I held my both of my boys in my arms for the first time last Thursday. They were just over two weeks old. You'd think I'd have made this happen sooner, but it just didn't work out that way. So when my mom and sister were there, both babies were out of their beds, and I wasn't working on nursing either of them, I jumped at the chance to finally hold them side by side. (And luckily Cami was ever-ready with her camera.)

It wasn't easy to juggle the two big preemies (they are now weighing 7 lbs and 6 lbs 3 oz!) with all their limbs, wires, and tubes dangling all over the place. But how happy I was to have them both against my heart and snuggled close to on another. Just as they should be.

Michael

 Daniel 

My mom was really excited about trying to recreate a photographed moment she had holding Em and me when we were first born. With only memory of the picture as reference, I'd say we did a pretty good job!

"Instead of one little ole' mouth..."

"...we got two to feed. 

Instead of one little ole' diaper, two is what we need. 

Instead of one bawlin' babe we got a wailin' duet!

This is sho' nuff more than we thought we'd get:

Well now we got double trouble.

Well now we got double fun. 

Well now we got double everything.

Cuz two came instead of one!"

So goes the first verse of the song "Double Trouble" my mom wrote back in 1984 when my twin sister Emily and I were born. I can't say we know yet how much "double trouble" and "double fun" we'll really have when these babies get home, but I am getting some experience with "two little ole' mouths" to feed...

First of all, I love nursing my babies. I've been very lucky to have extremely positive and sweet experiences breastfeeding my first three. Being able to give baby Julia all the nutrition she needed was magical to me. Gabe was a very enthusiastic eater and plumped up like crazy. Evy latching on immediately after being born was a thrill I'll never forget. Also a positive note, my milk supply has been and is very abundant. (The nurses said I'm a superstar for all the milk I bring in. You know that's right.) So naturally I am excited to take on the challenge of nursing two at once.

The only thing is, these guys just don't have what it takes yet! They aren't developmentally ready to go for it completely, unlike the full-term babies I'm used to. I started working on getting them to latch just last week. (Once they were on the low-flow nasal cannula we could begin.) I was encouraged with Daniel's first try and thought, "Surely he'll get the hang of this in the next few days. Michael will too. And we'll be home!" Not quite. I was discouraged when Daniel was less enthusiastic at our next try. And the next. And the next they both just slept right through. Yep, I was discouraged. I didn't realize that their little premature brains, are, well, premature.

Jonny and I attended a class at the hospital about brain development of preemie babies and what we can do to help them. It is natural for them to be so sleepy, as they should technically still be doing that inside of me! And the sucking reflex takes time to develop. As does the endurance to keep sucking. So really, it's just a matter of time. And that takes patience.

Now that I understand even those few basic things (which seems obvious, I know. But when my boys were born so big I figured they'd be home in no time. Size isn't everything!) I am being much more patient with these little guys. The progress they've made in the past two days is very encouraging to me. But I'm going to obey the Occupational Therapist who told me I can't "boo-hoo" when we do the test weights after nursing and see they've gained nothing. Two weeks in the NICU has seemed like twice that. But tomorrow they'll be 36 weeks, and a lot of progress happens (and can happen quickly) between 36 and 38 weeks. So it'll probably be between 2 and 3 more weeks. It'll be so exciting to see them really get the hang of nursing. This morning they both latched so well, sucked and swallowed on and off for a good 8-10 minutes, and even gained just a tiny bit of weight from that. I am so proud of my little boys! And I'll continue to pray for patience as I give them quality nursing experiences and wait for them to signal when they are ready for quantity. Could be a day, could be a week. But I know they'll be home sooner than later and these NICU visits will be a memory. And not a bad one. I enjoy the quiet times I spend there with the boys. It is a kind of second home for now. But not for long. I can't wait to have my family all together all the time. Then I guess I'll really know what "Double Everything" means!?

Daniel 

 These pictures were taken by my sister Cami a week ago. They look so different to me now already! Micheal has since been put on the low-flow cannula like Daniel's. 

Michael 

  

And here are a few pictures from the darling "Double Trouble" shower my mom and sisters put on. 

My mom (in blue), who successfully nursed twins! 

I will take after her, surely :) 

Our Beautiful Boys

It is so good to be home. I was taken good care of at AF Hospital, but, well, there's no place like home! I missed Jonny and the kids. I missed my food. And I missed my bed. I was only in the hospital for less than three days. But that's a lot when all you have to do is miss your family, long to be with your newborn babies, and cry. But now I'm home! And visiting the babies at least once a day. Yes, it's good be home.

I was discharged Friday at noon and headed straight to my boys at UVRMC. The night before when I got up to use the bathroom and I could still hardly walk through the pain of every step, I was discouraged and wondered if I'd really be able to leave in the morning. I prayed myself to sleep. In the morning I sat up and walked with more ease and less pain than anytime in the previous three days. I was so encouraged! I washed my face, put on some real clothes, applied a little makeup, and still had enough energy to shuffle around the room and begin packing up. I was proud to be up and about when Jonny arrived. Then we were off!

I don't know why, but I was a little nervous during the drive to Provo. Maybe it was just excitement. I had only seen my babies twice so far - once right after delivery for a few seconds, and another time right before they took off in their helicopters early Wednesday morning. Were they really mine? During my stay in the hospital it was easy to forget why I was there - because I gave birth to two babies! (There were plenty of reminders. Pumping, when all I wanted to do was breastfeed my newborns. Pictures and phone calls from the NICU. And hearing a baby cry out in the hall. That always brought on the tears. It was a long 3 nights and 2.5 days.)

Inside the NICU I was directed first to Michael's bed/station. I immediately burst into tears. I think the nurse thought I was scared or discouraged at seeing him all tangled in tubes and wires because she quickly began explaining what everything was for. But I wasn't scared at all. I was in complete awe that he was mine. He was beautiful. He looked so much better than the pictures I had seen! I was finally with my baby.

Michael

Then I walked across to Daniel. He was just as wonderful as Michael. And he was mine too! I was giddy when the nurse asked if I wanted to change his diaper. Then I helped take his temperature. And only a few minutes after that he was in my arms, against my bare skin. I held him for over an hour, but it seemed like minutes. I'd doze a little then wake up and see my baby. I will never forget sitting in that comfortable chair with my sweet boy in my arms. It was heaven.

Holding Daniel for the first time

Jonny held Michael while I held Daniel. (Unpictured, darn it! In fact, I don't believe I have one picture of Jonny with the boys yet!? I will get right on that...) Then it was time to leave the boys and head home to my other sweeties! You'd think this second separation from the twins would be traumatic for me like the first one was. But I was at peace. Of course I was sad to leave them and wished they could be at home with the rest of us who are so anxious to have them, but it was okay. I smiled on the drive home, thinking about my beautiful boys.

The thing is, there is a silver lining. As badly as I want the babies home, their time in the NICU will give me time to recover. It's still painful to walk, laugh, cry, breathe, and even talk too much. But I am seeing some real improvement here on day 6 after delivery, and that is very encouraging to me. I want to be ready to take care of all five of my kids when the boys get home. I might just be! When I visit them we all cheer one another on in our recovery so we can be reunited for good very soon.

How are the boys doing? How long will they be in the NICU? They are really doing extremely well. Thankfully they don't have any serious problems, they were just a little too early. So it's just a matter of getting them to breathe unassisted, helping them learn to eat, and chubbing them up a little. I'm producing more milk than they need at this point, so it's nice to know I can provide for them! Daniel was taken off CPAP (Continual Positive Airway Pressure) yesterday and is doing well with lower and lower levels on the nasal cannula. Michael was so annoyed with the CPAP headgear that he kept getting it out of place yesterday! Because they just couldn't keep it positioned correctly, they moved him to the high flow cannula. He is doing just fine! Michael also has his phototherapy treatment for jaundice through a special blanket instead of the lights. He didn't like the mask over his eyes! That boy seems to know how to get what he wants. :/ Daniel appears to be pretty content with whatever and is still under the phototherapy lights. But I got to see his curious eyes when we took his mask off yesterday. So interesting to see their individual personalities already. I guess it really started at birth, when Michael had to be born a different way from his brother. Such independence! And that is important for twins, you know :)

So that is the latest on our super cool guys. We love them like crazy and really can't wait to have them home and in our arms. That'll be a whole new adventure!

Holding Michael for the first time

 Daniel off CPAP

 A very expensive t-shirt!

Michael's head looks a lot smaller than it actually is because of the camera angle. But it was the first time I could kiss him while holding him because his CPAP hat is off! 

 Daniel, checking out the world

 Michael, frustrated with the headgear that's obstructing his newfound vision!

Michael, finally content without all the CPAP falderal and phototherapy mask